i thought today would be better - I was wrong.

i went down to eat.
i also brought my RM500 to place into my sister’s handbag.
she saw me coming down and she was all like “wtf you stay in your room all day for 2 days, to show yourself a champion ah being all pissed off?” or something like that.
instead of being mature enough to respond, i got shit annoyed and said “who says i was pissed off?”, drop the money, and head outside to stroke my cat.

she called me in and asked “what is that you put in my bag?”
i said “RM500”
and she went all like i don’t want your money, you so damn action la now, show you damn champion la?
and im like… you said you want me to pay RM500! what is your problem?!
and she went “i only said that coz i was fucking pissed!”
and i’m like “so what’s the issue now ?!” 
and we just kept arguing and arguing and arguing.
and i can’t recall in details but i do remember i said i was sleepy and sort, but your face was so into your bloody blackberry and at this point she got so pissed off saying i’m a fucking liar.
she even mentions i’m trying to make her feel guilty? like as if the run rotates around her! i locked myself in the room pondering whathefuck have i not done right so bad and how shameful i am to you!
bla bla bla can’t remember everything else mom asked me to shut up - now how the fuck do i defend myself? i don’t know. this is what i had learnt with this family. stay shut up even if you think you’ve got correct points - you know why? coz you’re the fucking baby in the family. the babies NEVER be taken as serious when there is an argument nor a debate. they’ll forever see you as a baby and babies are shit at giving their point of view nor truth.

i speak the truth.
and they can’t even fucking handle it!

so i end up walking back to my room with an empty stomach.
the first thing i did was cry (again)
grab the rope that i have been looking at for the past 49 hours thinking where can i hang myself? 
constantly trying and figuring what kind of knot i can have to make sure i won’t slip out - trying it on and out off my neck.
feels like “first world problem” - has the rope, no where to hang.

i honestly feel i don’t belong to anywhere in this world anymore - what is the point am i still living since i’m good for nothing?

2nd Day of Raya: I accidentally shut my eyes way too long while driving back home from Kuala Pilah =_=

the traffic on the way to Kuala Pilah was shit.
but we got to our destination by 12:30-1:30PM ish.
it was my sister’s last minute plan. we didn’t think of going until i was awoken at 8AM.
since my sister’s right foot is in shit condition, i had to drive. fine. but they never like the way i drive, coz i’m reckless and whatnot.

so yes, after meeting our uncle whom we’ve not visited for 2-3 years, we were fed good fresh cooked meal - i was stuffed.
it was 3:30-4:30PM, we left and say goodbyes.
the traffic was shit too on the way back.
while being stuck in traffic, my bladder begins to feel like it needs to burst.
even worse, i somehow i felt damn sleepy.
i did tell my sister i wanted to pee and felt sleepy, but i guessed she couldn’t suggest a thing since we were stuck in traffic.
i was driving in the middle lane on the highway.
not much movement.
as much as i was trying to fight the sleepiness and hopefully get to pee to the nearest R&R, and while waiting for the cars to move, i thought i’d shut my eyes for a tiny bit moment
the next thing i know, i opened my eyes, the car on the left wanted to cut in and i didn’t realise he wanted to.
my foot must’ve pressed the gas pedal out of shocked since the car was moving really slow.
i accidentally rammed it. yet somehow i manage to avoid from having the situation worsen.
out of shocked, my mom and sister awaken (not sure if my sister was asleep) by the incident.
my sister sitting at the back seat was being furious. of course, it’s her car that i was driving.
her forever raising her voice at the back while i drive, when i already gave signal she kept on asking me to put on my signal like wtf woman, i am fucking signalling like can you just shut the fuck up! 
as i was signalling to the nearest R&R, i was trying to park by the side as the parking area is full. my sister was yelling at me and i told her i needed to go to the loo.
we got out of the car, she babbling about me being stupid etc as she checks out her car’s condition.
no major dent but unfortunately, i had cracked the side mirror and scratched the car.
throughout the argument, she insisted that i had not told her i was sleepy nor was i desperate to go to the loo.
i’m not fucking surprised when she said that. if she hadn’t been fucking around a lot with her fucking blackberry, she would have been fucking listening, init? i swear, that fucking blackberry is the most fucking piece of annoying shit between me and her - whatever i say, she NEVER hear me! i felt like… the blackberry is like her favourite ex students whom i hate just because i felt like my sister wish i was them or rather have them to be her little brothers instead or something, ya know? like i’m fucking worthless.
whatever, that’s besides the point.
even after she was still yelling at me about the accident, i just kept walking towards the public loo. as soon i get my space to urinate, i just started to cry as hell. “i only shut my eye for just 15 seconds. that’s not even half a minute”, i thought to myself.
when i came back from the loo, i sat at the back seat.
my sister, disregard of her injured foot, she drove the car.
throughout the whole ride until we reached in front of our home, my sister was forever yelling at me.
my mom joined in too but she didn’t yell, she only provides stupid uncalled for dramas about me mistreating her - you fucking piece of shit, that’s not my problem. and fucking hell, i only mistreat her when we don’t see eye to eye with each other and what is the fucking point of bringing up the whole drama shit!?
my sister on the other hand was more emphasising on my bad driving skills and why the the Kangoo car has often have problems =_= the car is like old ffs.
but she went overboard. she called me a kafir, an idiot, etc.
i also owe her RM500 or something to fix her shit. there goes my hard earn money i’ve been trying to save up to move out. i worked for 3 weeks for nothing !

whatever it is, the more my sister has been calling me an idiot, the more i’m starting to believe i am one.
an idiot, stupid, useless, heartless, reckless, could give shit, and she also say that i act as if the car is my birthright or something… i felt hurt with that say. i’m fucking adopted. OBVIOUSLY i’m never close to any fucking birthrights to own any of your shits and i don’t plan to!

i just feel like i need to die right now.
all the enthusiasm of being a better person just seem to be flushed down the drain.
like… what’s the use of trying when you’re fucking useless, init? 

i just accidentally had a micro “sleep”
was all those saying really necessary ?

p/s: i fucking want to run away and leave everything and maybe just start from scratch and try to survive on my own even if i have start from the streets. anyone care to help me on this bit?

Tags: suicide reblog

Suicide Fail:

(Source: smileyoutoo, via stacys-mom)

Traps were laid in the wild illegally.When the bear was trapped, she lost not only her paws and four limbs for a good fortune of money, but she was locked up in the cage and had to endure daily torture of bile collection up to 25 or 30 years. This bile collection process requires a hole to be cut in the bear stomach and an iron pipe inserted into the bear gall bladder. Bile was then taken several times a day. The entire procedure was done without anaesthetic in order to save cost. The pain was excruciating. The bear could not bear it and attempted to kill herself by punching her stomach. However, human prevented this suicide act by forcing the bear to wear an iron vest. With this iron vest, her movement was restricted; committing suicide was an impossible task. A mother bear knew it too well. When the bear worker wanted to open up her cub’s stomach, the mother bear broke open the cage and went after the cub. After failing to release the chained cub, she hugged the cub. The mother bear then killed the cub to save it from a life of hell. Here is the story from Chinese news.

i want to die. any proper suggestions how?

i think my death would put at ease for many of my loved ones because i just can’t seem to fix myself into this proper “perfect person” and i just haven’t able to find how to improve myself for my own life + my self confidence with life has been pretty much nil. however, it’s the least i could do.

mom has cancer, sis’ has been working her ass to keep our lives good i suppose. all i do is just causing things a shit to be piled up even more and more.

i’m just wondering what can cause a self-death without harming any important organs because… i have pledge to be an organ donor.
does that needling air into the vain which causes heart attack would do any further harmful damage to the heart?

your suggestions would be very greatful, thank you.

Tags: sad suicide