Earlier i went to my Pakistani friend’s place.
i was suppose to teach him some basic Malay language.
We only got into the session for 10 minutes and he got hungry.
Actually, i was in an argument with my mom before i headed to meet my friend. We were arguing regarding of my flopped subject. I don’t mind if we were to discuss it but i hate it when she does it when all her sisters are around. Not sure if it’s because of this argument were the cause of an emotional opening to what had happened during the weed session.
However, i can truthfully say that sometimes i loath to go to my friend’s place just because that it was the place where i had met my girlfriend then for the second time and where we first held hand the longest and where i also discovered her thighs were to be the best headrest like ever. i love his place but i just hate it when i stare or sit and begin to recall all that like as if it had happened yesterday.
I have not been to his place since that second meet until 2 weeks ago, i was pretty much able to control my emotions.
But today with that strong weed i smoked of two puffs, i sat on his bed where i had use to sat a year before (it has always been my spot anyway) my brain just charged back to that memory and i quickly try to move else where.
i sat at the corner of the bed and try to shake it off.
He was hungry, really hungry and wants to go out and eat.
And i just couldn’t even stand up. i requested for a hug before we leave the house.
As soon he hugged me i just immediately cry.
i thought a random request of a hug would just make me feel a little better.
NEVER in my life have i ever cry out random situation to a friend - he got worried thinking he had said something to have offended me, he didn’t. It was the room, the balcony, the bed. Everything looks just the same as it was a year or so ago. it was just MISSING. i just keep having figures emerging when i turn my head and see the spots she once left her bum print or something. it’s just omg i can’t even explain.
This time around of my intake of weed really brought out my bottled emotions. Not saying i’ve never did before but this was like i can’t even control in front of a friend. It’s like i don’t even care, i just needed that comfort back.
Instead of teaching him the basic Malay language, i ended up getting into a counselling session.
i don’t even understand. i am completely aware that she gave up on us, she emotionally cheated on me, clearly i’m the only person who BELIEVED, clearly i was the only person who actually believed i had met my match,.. i had told myself before never to even think that someone could be your everything and i had forgotten that until i met her and now it happens and i don’t know how to get back to the time i was able to get myself back to my feet like how i did to get over my first ex - i am now so fucking lost i don’t even know how or where to begin. i blame myself so much for everything that meant to me has failed. i tried to mend it as much as i could, the only enemy was TIME. time is a bitch. time is an ass hole. memories are twats, and so does the powerful stupidity of the heart.
i hafta admit, i’m very much desperate here. way to desperate. i can’t even stop thinking or talk about her, it’s getting old and i’m pretty sure you lots are sick about it too. i apologize but i can’t lie if i say i never think of her everyday, i can’t help it. and yes, i do admit i am pathetic in that sector. i am sick of it too and i really am dying to control myself. i’m scared i won’t be able to stand it any further. it’s been 8 months for fucks sakes. something NEEDS to be done and i need it NOW!
I NEED TO REALISE and snap the fuck out of it!
i need to learn NOT TO CARE <- only way to remain HAPPY and STRESS FREE.
i need to be reminded to think with my HEAD and not the heart unless i have made big money.
Anyone can suggest how can a gives-too-many-shit person to be a fucking person who can’t-even-give-a-micro-fart?
We can be whatever gender we want or even better, gender doesn’t even matter at all in any society and we can still breed to lengthen our species naturally.
No more “IT’S NOT NATURAL! IT DOESN’T SAY SO IN THE BIBLE/QURAN!” or “what will people say? Have i been a bad parent? I must have done something wrong in my past life. I’m so sorry” and all that bullcrap.
I have this girl waiting for me.
I love her company - she cooks pretty yummy too. You know me and food, to win me is through my stomach lol
But then… she’s pretty much broken like myself. We’re both recently single and broken emotionally, but in her case her ex is trying to reconcile while i’m on the opposite page. She has this 50/50 of reconciling coz she also fear it would turn out to be a whole same thing either way, her ex seem to be letting her down a lot… kinda reminds me of myself :/ i probably put my ex down plenty of time even though i try in every inch of my power to make it work as much as possible.
Yet at the same time, she had fallen for me. - at times i wish i knew what i had done so i wouldn’t have to be charming when i meant to have a no string attach relationship, but NSA relationship never seems to exist in my book that i’m unable to re-write of :/
At the moment, disregard of how she felt and how unready i am for a proper relationship, we both will just enjoy as much as we can with whatever you call this “relationship”.
Few hours ago, we had a phone conversation.
She had just went to SOFA (Sorting Out Female Affairs) event in conjunction of Halloween even though it has been pass one week from the actual international celebration day.
SOFA is a hangout for lesbians i suppose - every month of the first Wednesday.
i’m assuming they always have it in this one particular pub in Central Market, KL.
However, she went there, had lotsa free drinks.
and she also managed to just make out with an andro-butch in the loo, sorta like a “seven minutes to heaven” thing.
and i guess i was disappointed but i didn’t understand why should i? i mean i am aware of her flirtatious nature and we have decided to just wait after 5 dates (so far, we’ve got 2-3 dates to go) to decide whether we should be officiate ourselves to be in a proper relationship.
She kept apologizing and felt bad, i responded to her that she shouldn’t be sorry since we’re not really in a proper relationship and i should have see this coming either way.
Please, do keep in mind that she is not a slut. I don’t define her as a slut. We are in fact using each other to fulfill the gap we have. But somehow we’re treating each other more than just a NSA pair. Like i said, in my case NSA relationship barely exist in my book - can’t help it.
I guess… i’m scared to fall in love or even allow myself to fall in love since my last ex.
I’ve given my all that i can give and it just went into the flush just like that.
I mean… it’s not like i have no experienced that before, i have and i really thought i’m a lot stronger than this.
I also guess maybe i am feeling conflicted with the promise i had made to myself and my ex that my wishful thinking plan to be back together within 2 years to hopefully happen - i really shouldn’t be that way, i should be doing happier things and not be stuck in the past and not be in a place where i’m feeling stuck on something that MAY not happen at all. It’s something i need to learn to let go and i do know i need to let go. Not just for my ex (not that she cares if i do or not) but honestly, for myself.
I guess after she had confessed that she has fallen for me, i had confessed that i fear that i may not love her as much as she does for me - only today she told me that when i said those words, she felt a little part of her died. Was it a mistake of me confessing that way?
I knew i really shouldn’t have said that but i guess i don’t want to give her hopes high if we weren’t a match in the end. But then, i’m also guessing i’m not giving this a proper shot to prove me wrong.
i DO want us to work out, i’m not even sure whether i want to for a good reason or otherwise. I just know i’m a lot happier than i was in my previous condition. I am now at least having smiles and i do enjoy what we do together.
And at the same time, she’s asking me to find some other girl to be with - she admits she’s not the best candidate for me, and she’s also scared she’d hurt me emotionally. but i’m also scared of hurting her too knowing how she feels for me.
My friends says i think too much and that i should just go with the flow.
How do i not think too much?
How do i go with the flow?
Am i also denying my feelings?
Am i doing this all wrong?
A wise friend advised me this: Don’t be stuck with the past or else you won’t be able to see what’s really in front of you.