Earlier i went to my Pakistani friend’s place.
i was suppose to teach him some basic Malay language.
We only got into the session for 10 minutes and he got hungry.
Actually, i was in an argument with my mom before i headed to meet my friend. We were arguing regarding of my flopped subject. I don’t mind if we were to discuss it but i hate it when she does it when all her sisters are around. Not sure if it’s because of this argument were the cause of an emotional opening to what had happened during the weed session.
However, i can truthfully say that sometimes i loath to go to my friend’s place just because that it was the place where i had met my girlfriend then for the second time and where we first held hand the longest and where i also discovered her thighs were to be the best headrest like ever. i love his place but i just hate it when i stare or sit and begin to recall all that like as if it had happened yesterday.
I have not been to his place since that second meet until 2 weeks ago, i was pretty much able to control my emotions.
But today with that strong weed i smoked of two puffs, i sat on his bed where i had use to sat a year before (it has always been my spot anyway) my brain just charged back to that memory and i quickly try to move else where.
i sat at the corner of the bed and try to shake it off.
He was hungry, really hungry and wants to go out and eat.
And i just couldn’t even stand up. i requested for a hug before we leave the house.
As soon he hugged me i just immediately cry.
i thought a random request of a hug would just make me feel a little better.
NEVER in my life have i ever cry out random situation to a friend - he got worried thinking he had said something to have offended me, he didn’t. It was the room, the balcony, the bed. Everything looks just the same as it was a year or so ago. it was just MISSING. i just keep having figures emerging when i turn my head and see the spots she once left her bum print or something. it’s just omg i can’t even explain.
This time around of my intake of weed really brought out my bottled emotions. Not saying i’ve never did before but this was like i can’t even control in front of a friend. It’s like i don’t even care, i just needed that comfort back.
Instead of teaching him the basic Malay language, i ended up getting into a counselling session.
i don’t even understand. i am completely aware that she gave up on us, she emotionally cheated on me, clearly i’m the only person who BELIEVED, clearly i was the only person who actually believed i had met my match,.. i had told myself before never to even think that someone could be your everything and i had forgotten that until i met her and now it happens and i don’t know how to get back to the time i was able to get myself back to my feet like how i did to get over my first ex - i am now so fucking lost i don’t even know how or where to begin. i blame myself so much for everything that meant to me has failed. i tried to mend it as much as i could, the only enemy was TIME. time is a bitch. time is an ass hole. memories are twats, and so does the powerful stupidity of the heart.
i hafta admit, i’m very much desperate here. way to desperate. i can’t even stop thinking or talk about her, it’s getting old and i’m pretty sure you lots are sick about it too. i apologize but i can’t lie if i say i never think of her everyday, i can’t help it. and yes, i do admit i am pathetic in that sector. i am sick of it too and i really am dying to control myself. i’m scared i won’t be able to stand it any further. it’s been 8 months for fucks sakes. something NEEDS to be done and i need it NOW!
I NEED TO REALISE and snap the fuck out of it!
i need to learn NOT TO CARE <- only way to remain HAPPY and STRESS FREE.
i need to be reminded to think with my HEAD and not the heart unless i have made big money.
Anyone can suggest how can a gives-too-many-shit person to be a fucking person who can’t-even-give-a-micro-fart?
We can be whatever gender we want or even better, gender doesn’t even matter at all in any society and we can still breed to lengthen our species naturally.
No more “IT’S NOT NATURAL! IT DOESN’T SAY SO IN THE BIBLE/QURAN!” or “what will people say? Have i been a bad parent? I must have done something wrong in my past life. I’m so sorry” and all that bullcrap.